TIME

Title of a magazine
Name of a place
1st words taught to a minor
A way to quantify our lives
We have come to a full circle
From adolescents to adults we have become
Yet no one can really answer this question.

WHAT IS TIME?
Some may say it is what is on the watch
Some say it is to keep us on time.
Who in the world ever said we had to be ON time?
Why can't we be under time or over time?
In this god forsaken land we call the rat race
Everyone is racing against time
Have we forgotten the simple pleasures in life
To appreciate what we have or feel
Even pain can be a miracle once in a while
Let us know we still live
In this cemetary we call home
Why is a city a cemetary and a cemetrary a city?
I guess I found my answer to that

Fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time"
Which time, where and how?
When did it all begin?
Alas if only reality was like fables
To suffer through tribulations and trials
And have a euphoric ending
of victories and celebrations
But it is not to be
My most hated word for the moment is.........
One day........
What is this one day?
two very simple words
One is a number while the other reflective of night
Yet these two words torment me day and night
If only there was a way to count it
One day two days
When will this one day come?
When will the day come when I can see the light at the end of the tunnel?
When When When?

I sickened myself asking these questions
Wanted to stand tall and walk up straight
Pretend everything is alright and life goes on
But like a clown I put on a show.
Making people laugh and enjoy the show
But I'm crying inside
No one knows it but ME.
Wish I could put this burden down
like a fallen hero with no where to go
Wearied and beaten
like a foul mongrel
A fool in vertigo of love and hate
A sprial of neverending concoctions of feelings and memories
of what was and what could be
Heightened expectations that could never be met
of self and of scenes of what might be instead

Time, all I need is time
Tell me someone
When will this one day come?
Patience is just a word
Easier said than done
With emotions and feelings all rolled into one
I feel like a dwarf standing at the brink of a vast ocean
at the beach overlooking the waters
As it forms a horizon between the fluid blue and the fluffy blue
The sun shines bright and hope seems near
Yet it can be dashed with a tsunami of waves
Washing the poor dwarf and away we go
Far far away to never never land
If only I knew where I was headed with this
A boat or even a scuba gear
could aid me in my quest
in pursuit of my hero's journey
So kind soul, please tell me
When will this one day come.

Untitled

Not a Simple Plan
Or a lazy attempt
But how I feel and how I think
At this second and minute
Can hardly be compartmentalized or categorized
Into the conformities that Society has set for its minions to follow
Blind are the believers
To take it all in
Trusting that the higher beings know it all
For a Man who thinks he knows all knows nothing
And a Man who knows nothing knows everything
Why must we conform to what the past has set for us?
Perhaps so that history will not repeat thy self
I think, I feel and I disagree
The morning mist and the evening glare
thousands of years have past
same words different views
ceteris paribus is an absolute impossibility
a word found in economics
about demand and supply
I hate the word demand
especially those who think they know it all
flaunt what they have and what they think they know
Arrogance is all they have gained
From knowledge accumulated through the years
wisdom is knowledge
Knowledge is not wisdom
Obviously some have simply thought otherwise
Too big for caps to fit their heads
Hope and dream and even wish
Vengence may come upon them
Vanquish the proud and the disrespectful
For the good of Man
Do humanity a service
People may say.
Don't hate the player
Hate the game
A game we are all forced to play
Who ever came up with this stupid term
the customer is always right.
Politeness goes down the drain
No please no request
Demands, I want it NOW, it can be done
have somehow replaced the sweetness of how we once were

Woe is me, how can we ever turn the clock back
to destroy these thorns in my flesh
that irk me everytime I see them
Harsh words we use to describe them
What can I do?
Feel sorry, cry my heart out
Nay, for those are for self pity
We should be strong and fight for the common good
We have the alpha omega, the ultimate weapon
beyond human comprehension and understanding
A smile is all we need
grit our teeth and bear the pain
surpress the anger and wrench the vengence
Behind the smile
malicious thoughts and forceful words
hidden behind every molar and inscior
awaiting a day when the good will finally prevail.

Confused?

Confused, a patented word for mere mortals
When the world is in a topsy turvy,
Or when perceptions reflect a mosaic of life.
What is she saying? I'm confused
What does she mean? I'm confused
What does she want from me? I'm confused
Why is she doing this to me? I'm confused
Where do we go from here? I'm confused
Questions fashioned to boggle the minds of the weak ones
Ice blended emotions and issues all rolled into one
Like multi-colored plasticine manipulated by a young child
Who knows not what he or she does
But enjoys the torment of creating a confusion of colors
intertwined by destiny and twisted by fate

Maybe we think too much, feel too deep and fall too far
To ever understand the complexity and purpose of tweaking the veins and vines
of human emotions and minds
Per chance a day may come
When the clouds may clear
and the mist disappears
revealing in all its glory
a beam of bright white light
a ray of hope, a multitude of answers
Wisdom, a word always heard but misunderstood
How does one know when to be wise?
When one attains nirvana or when one learns everything that needs to be learnt?
If that is so, then wise is no one.
I too will be wise when my answer comes,
of what I seek that the One knows
I pray each moment that the day will come
when the whispers of what I desire to hear
rustle in the winds
that she may beckon my presence
One day
For now I remain confused.

Another day has passed


It has been a couple of days since I have updated my blog and I guess my faithful friends who have been following my blog must have been shocked and at the same time happy somewhat that I decided to update my blog more often. I guess I decided to do so because it is an outlet for me to express my thoughts and vent whatever frustrations and anger I have about life. My mentor once said: "What cannot be expressed finds expression" Now come to think of it, it is so true. If I have not found ways to express my feelings, I think I would have gone bonkers by now. In the past, I used to explode at the slightest thing. Friends who have known me for a long long time would know this fact about me. Scary would be the word. Nowadays I choose to implode everything, numb myself from the affairs that this world brings. I am not sure how much of it I can hold inside me.

I have been drifting in and out of consciousness. I live in a very surreal world right now. I can't seem to tell what is real to me and what is not. People and things that I thought was a certain perspective now seems like a total facade. I cannot take everything wholesale anymore because of lessons that I have learnt that the world that we live in is not as distinct as it seems. It is not longer a world of clear black and white. Instead, there are so many grey areas that I can no longer distingush what is the truth and what is falsehood. It is so frustrating having to 2nd guess what people's intentions. I really miss primary school days when life was a lot simpler. We did not have to worry that people had hidden agendas. Life was in your face as it is. I find it really anguishing and painful that people's actions sometimes don't match what they say. How am I supposed to know how to repond or react? It is not what you say but how you say it that matters more. I thought that things would look up for me and I was coming out of my dark patch. I was happy for a while, leading a more carefree life but things had to happen and I am now stuck in this vertigo of rotten emotions again. I have been ping ponging between a multitude of feelings that makes me feel frustrated being a human being. Why can't life be more opaque than it is now? People play games, everyone does. I am growing weary and worn out from having to participate in these games. I have become an unwilling party in this sport that some have fashioned to get the minons to participate for pleasure or jest. Whatever it is, it sucks to be treated like a fool sometimes. Everything is a choice and maybe I have made a choice for others to treat me like a fool. On one hand, you know that you deserve a lot better. On the other hand, a part of you still feels that there is something worth holding onto. For now, my vision is like the weather in Singapore, gloomy with showers from time to time, unpredicatable most times. Maybe in a couple of days, the sun will shine and we all can go get a tan but we know that it is unpredictable. We will just have to see.

NUMB

People find different ways to numb themselves, a way to be devoid of emotions and perhaps morbid in nature, to enter a demonic state of senseless anguish and pain, tattered with heart breaking anticipation of what might be tomorrow. Some entrench themselves in the magic dragon while others go in pursuit of the magic drink. Others pretend everything is ok until the emotions overwhelm them. I used to numb myself by sleeping it off. I begin to realize that my reliable old friend is no longer there. I wake up hoping to desensitize myself, numbing myself from whatever that bothers me. Instead I find myself a million times amplified.

This holidays I chose to return to myself, searching for what I had lost before. Those who know me know that this is not the one I usually am. Why am I like this I do not know? Everything has a place and a purpose and perhaps it is there to teach me a lesson. A little voice tells me to have hope that the rainbow will come after the storm while another tells me to have fear that I may not see the light again. I too fear that I may not be able to pick myself up again, to be able to guide my ship out of the choppy seas. All it would take is a CATALYST to explode it into multiple propulsions. In the past, everytime things happened, I have chosen to numb myself and not feel too much. I chose not to cry and move on with my life. I guess choices have consequences and its all coming back to me now. Many events have happened, some happy but mostly sad. That is a summary of how my life has been this year. Life is about perceptions and yes, my view is of a shady grey. It is my choice and this is how I feel. I sometimes wish Mother Earth would open up a gaping hole and suck me into the cores of existence so that I would not need to feel so much ever again.

There was this little bird that dwelled in the forest of lush green and of infinite depth. A league of the unknown where many perils lurked. Yet in the midst of confusion and turmoil, It knew what it wanted and it knew where to go. It was convicted by faith and decisive by choice. As life would have it, challenges came and obstacles arose. Each battle was fought and won. Battle scars remain but this little bird chose to ignore the remincences of the war and trudge on with life. It numbed itself from the pain and told itself to fight on. Some wounds healed while others were reopened over and over again. The pain was excruiating at times and yet this bird chose to rise above this humanly feeling called emotions and continue on its never ending journey.


One day it came across a magnificent sight, a sight beyond earthly comprehension. It fell in love with it at lst sight. This little bird thought to itself, this is the ONE that I have been waiting for. Yet fate was to be cruel and merciless when it was told that this little bird had to wait. Waiting in anticipation can be a painful thing especially when the future remains misty and dark. No one knows what lies behind the clouds, bright sunshine or eternal darkness. As time passed, this bird begin to recollect the past, something that had never been done before. What had been forgotten and shelved into the deep valleys of memories were all coming back. Emotions overwhelmed this little bird, sadness, anger, betrayal, regret, pain, anguish, jealousy, envy, disappointment, pointless wants and fruitless anticipation. All this wore this little bird down as it became a pale shadow of a warrior that it was. An accumulation of ironies and twists of fate filled the jug of life to its brim. This bird thought to itself, one more and this would definitely overflow..... what can I do than wait for the light beyond the horizon?

Perchance a happy ending might surface for this little bird. Maybe the Gods may shine its mercies on it and grant our feathered friend the wish he has always wanted. Hope is what keeps Man alive and dreams are what tells Man that he still lives. Let's pray and hope that the dreams of this little bird may come true one day.