NUMB

People find different ways to numb themselves, a way to be devoid of emotions and perhaps morbid in nature, to enter a demonic state of senseless anguish and pain, tattered with heart breaking anticipation of what might be tomorrow. Some entrench themselves in the magic dragon while others go in pursuit of the magic drink. Others pretend everything is ok until the emotions overwhelm them. I used to numb myself by sleeping it off. I begin to realize that my reliable old friend is no longer there. I wake up hoping to desensitize myself, numbing myself from whatever that bothers me. Instead I find myself a million times amplified.

This holidays I chose to return to myself, searching for what I had lost before. Those who know me know that this is not the one I usually am. Why am I like this I do not know? Everything has a place and a purpose and perhaps it is there to teach me a lesson. A little voice tells me to have hope that the rainbow will come after the storm while another tells me to have fear that I may not see the light again. I too fear that I may not be able to pick myself up again, to be able to guide my ship out of the choppy seas. All it would take is a CATALYST to explode it into multiple propulsions. In the past, everytime things happened, I have chosen to numb myself and not feel too much. I chose not to cry and move on with my life. I guess choices have consequences and its all coming back to me now. Many events have happened, some happy but mostly sad. That is a summary of how my life has been this year. Life is about perceptions and yes, my view is of a shady grey. It is my choice and this is how I feel. I sometimes wish Mother Earth would open up a gaping hole and suck me into the cores of existence so that I would not need to feel so much ever again.

There was this little bird that dwelled in the forest of lush green and of infinite depth. A league of the unknown where many perils lurked. Yet in the midst of confusion and turmoil, It knew what it wanted and it knew where to go. It was convicted by faith and decisive by choice. As life would have it, challenges came and obstacles arose. Each battle was fought and won. Battle scars remain but this little bird chose to ignore the remincences of the war and trudge on with life. It numbed itself from the pain and told itself to fight on. Some wounds healed while others were reopened over and over again. The pain was excruiating at times and yet this bird chose to rise above this humanly feeling called emotions and continue on its never ending journey.


One day it came across a magnificent sight, a sight beyond earthly comprehension. It fell in love with it at lst sight. This little bird thought to itself, this is the ONE that I have been waiting for. Yet fate was to be cruel and merciless when it was told that this little bird had to wait. Waiting in anticipation can be a painful thing especially when the future remains misty and dark. No one knows what lies behind the clouds, bright sunshine or eternal darkness. As time passed, this bird begin to recollect the past, something that had never been done before. What had been forgotten and shelved into the deep valleys of memories were all coming back. Emotions overwhelmed this little bird, sadness, anger, betrayal, regret, pain, anguish, jealousy, envy, disappointment, pointless wants and fruitless anticipation. All this wore this little bird down as it became a pale shadow of a warrior that it was. An accumulation of ironies and twists of fate filled the jug of life to its brim. This bird thought to itself, one more and this would definitely overflow..... what can I do than wait for the light beyond the horizon?

Perchance a happy ending might surface for this little bird. Maybe the Gods may shine its mercies on it and grant our feathered friend the wish he has always wanted. Hope is what keeps Man alive and dreams are what tells Man that he still lives. Let's pray and hope that the dreams of this little bird may come true one day.