Another day has passed
It has been a couple of days since I have updated my blog and I guess my faithful friends who have been following my blog must have been shocked and at the same time happy somewhat that I decided to update my blog more often. I guess I decided to do so because it is an outlet for me to express my thoughts and vent whatever frustrations and anger I have about life. My mentor once said: "What cannot be expressed finds expression" Now come to think of it, it is so true. If I have not found ways to express my feelings, I think I would have gone bonkers by now. In the past, I used to explode at the slightest thing. Friends who have known me for a long long time would know this fact about me. Scary would be the word. Nowadays I choose to implode everything, numb myself from the affairs that this world brings. I am not sure how much of it I can hold inside me.
I have been drifting in and out of consciousness. I live in a very surreal world right now. I can't seem to tell what is real to me and what is not. People and things that I thought was a certain perspective now seems like a total facade. I cannot take everything wholesale anymore because of lessons that I have learnt that the world that we live in is not as distinct as it seems. It is not longer a world of clear black and white. Instead, there are so many grey areas that I can no longer distingush what is the truth and what is falsehood. It is so frustrating having to 2nd guess what people's intentions. I really miss primary school days when life was a lot simpler. We did not have to worry that people had hidden agendas. Life was in your face as it is. I find it really anguishing and painful that people's actions sometimes don't match what they say. How am I supposed to know how to repond or react? It is not what you say but how you say it that matters more. I thought that things would look up for me and I was coming out of my dark patch. I was happy for a while, leading a more carefree life but things had to happen and I am now stuck in this vertigo of rotten emotions again. I have been ping ponging between a multitude of feelings that makes me feel frustrated being a human being. Why can't life be more opaque than it is now? People play games, everyone does. I am growing weary and worn out from having to participate in these games. I have become an unwilling party in this sport that some have fashioned to get the minons to participate for pleasure or jest. Whatever it is, it sucks to be treated like a fool sometimes. Everything is a choice and maybe I have made a choice for others to treat me like a fool. On one hand, you know that you deserve a lot better. On the other hand, a part of you still feels that there is something worth holding onto. For now, my vision is like the weather in Singapore, gloomy with showers from time to time, unpredicatable most times. Maybe in a couple of days, the sun will shine and we all can go get a tan but we know that it is unpredictable. We will just have to see.
3 comments:
hey gary.sarah here.i agree with ure latest post,esp the phrase 'primary schl days when no one really has a hidden agenda.'.rmbr the email i sent to u 3 mths ago?i finally got the truth.ms A is like so much more then being two-faced.so many things i didnt know.and she backstabbed me so many times with out me knowing until jy told me a few days ago..too much things ive found out until i still find it hard to believe shes like that.but then,i somehow find that the closer u are to someone,the more theyll backstab you and you still forgive them no matter what and tell ureself 'ok,i wont tell her anything else..i forgive her..'and so.
alright,kinda outta pt.anyway,life's never an easy journey but yet its so fragile.okaye.cheer up yes?take care! :D love.
it is when we learn to smile admist the pain when we realise that its the pain thats keeping us going. you look back and you realise that it was you who chose the pain. we live in a world of games, this you should already know, we are all simply players in a gigantic world. and at the end of the day, its not whether you win or you lose, its how you've played the game. you might have lost, but you've played the game well, and you are contented. someone else might have won, but happiness is not his/her reward. we are always constantly in search of happiness, but it is when we missed out on it that we realise that happiness never left. when we learn to let the past go and look to the future, the future looks to us too. take care dude.
Something that was taught in the camp came back to me as i read your post. For things to change, i must change first.
Maybe the first thing that needs to be changes is your perspective. Even the gloomy weather has some purpose.
I also want to thank you Gary. Knowing that you are going through so much conflict inside and still being strong on the outside made me realise that it is the stronger person who moves on first. Thanks
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